Life Pro Tips (reverse psychology edition)

I’ve often found that it’s just as useful to know what produces terrible results as it is to know what yields positive ones. If we’re aware of which streets are full of potholes, so to speak, we’ll have a much better shot at finding a smooth road. So here’s my admonition for today: If you want to be angry, distrustful, and bitter for the rest of your natural life, all you’ve gotta do is follow these simple tips. Buckle up your sarcasm seat-belts!

  1. Always maintain a laser-like focus on what should and should not be. Honestly, who cares about what actually is? That’s boring. In any situation, what you really ought to focus on is how it should be. How are other people being unfair? Where are they slacking? What are they getting away with that they shouldn’t be? If you rationally and calmly assess a situation, it may lead you to an uncomfortable realization: namely, that even if others aren’t doing the right thing, you still can. Uggh, fuck that. If, however, you keep yourself focused on everything that’s going wrong, it’ll be downright impossible for you to recognize when things go your way, to appreciate the ways in which you’re more fortunate than others, or to have a healthy perspective on life in general! Best of all, you won’t ever have to take personal responsibility for your own actions until everyone else does so first. Score!
  2. Hold others to standards that you yourself often fail to meet. Not only will this reinforce a deep sense of unhappiness and disappointment within yourself, it will also cause friends and strangers alike to increasingly avoid you, until there’s finally no one left who puts up with your bullshit double standards. Cool bonus!
  3. Beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made in the past.  They say you can’t focus on your future if you’re always looking to your past, but I’ll bet you can be the one who finally proves them all wrong! Keep hoping that one thing all those years ago had gone differently. Keep wondering why you turned left instead of right that fateful afternoon. Remember, you won’t be able to maintain your misery without first maintaining your self-loathing! You got this!
  4. Refuse to forgive others. Forgiveness is for pussies, am I right? Maybe if you keep concentrating on all the times you were wronged (being extra careful to ignore any potential fault of your own in such situations), your life will suddenly become fantastic! Sure, countless other people have shared their experiences of forgiving those who mistreated them—not for the others person’s benefit, but rather for their own—and sure, they’ll almost invariably tell you that it finally gave them the peace which had eluded them for so long. But what do they know? Your situation is different.

So what are you waiting for?! A whole new (or perhaps just enhanced) world of resentment and disillusionment is out there waiting for you! Accept nothing less than perfection from others and yourself; it truly is the best method for getting pissed off… and staying that way forever!

Song of the day

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